“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” – that’s how the saying goes, but when it comes to the CES – the Consumer Electronics Show – the countless vendors at the world’s largest technology expo certainly hope their ideas, and their products, spread far and wide. The show took place in Las Vegas last week, and there were some items that turned a lot of heads. There was a vacuum cleaner that could walk up stairs, an AI-powered companion robot puppy for seniors, and of course, even larger, thinner, more colorful (and expensive!) TV’s. In honor of this annual event, and as a major tech-enthusiast, I thought I would share my report from an imaginary Jewish CES, featuring all the futuristic technology geared towards the Jewish community. I’m no booth-babe, but welcome to my convention table! Come inside my tent, and take a look!
First up, we have an essential upgrade for today’s b’nei mitzvah: The Thank-You Note 3000. Using the latest version of ChatGPT, this device will scan your guest list, accurately predict what everyone gave, and then (robot) hand-write thank-you notes in the writing style of an average 8th grader.
Fitbit is releasing a version of their wristband health-tracker that is specifically designed for the JCC. It not only monitors your heart rate while you exercise, but also your cholesterol from the blintzes you eat at the JCC cafe after you work out, and also your blood-pressure while you listen to the old naked men discuss politics in the locker room.
Next is the Pesadik Roomba. This special version of the popular robotic vacuum uses advanced radar technology to search for any hametz before Passover, and also has a heavy-duty filter for vacuuming up an entire week’s worth of matzah crumbs. Keeping with the Passover theme, there’s a new 3D printer capable of producing twelve realistic-looking pieces of gefilte fish (which no one eats anyway) in time for your family Seder. There’s also an AI-powered calendar that will tell you when Passover is actually over, and automatically order you a pizza from Uber-Eats.
Speaking of food, eating out just got a whole lot easier! Duolingo launched a new auto-translate feature built into a pair of reading glasses that lets your bubbe send her soup back in fourteen different languages!
GE expects their latest invention to be a big seller next December – using the power of magnetic induction, the Wick-Away completely obliterates any residual candle wax in your Chanukkah menorah. Finally, LG has a new flat-screen OLED HD TV that only shows episodes of Shtisel, Nobody Wants This, and highlights from the Yeshiva University Men’s Basketball team’s 2019-2020 season.
I hope you enjoy these glimpses into the future, and stay tuned for my next dispatch from San Diego Comic Con!
Cantor Eric Schulmiller
